( ml. ) i n b o x

[genova]

@nicky.smith| ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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[malta]

Of course.

[ there is no hesitation despite joe's uncertainty of the state of higher education in the future. is it free? subsidised? grossly expensive and strictly for profit? unsure, but joe will make it work. they've made do with less. ]

[genova]

Then that is what I will do.

[ he meant to have this conversation while they were in the same room, so that he could look at joe, see his reaction, touch him, kiss him.

this works, too.

but there is more to be considered, nicky thinks. can they afford to financially is part of it, but —will the fake identity hold up? will he be too public, too involved in the lives of people who belong here?

he has made these things work before, they all have. not here, admittedly, but —some of the challenges are not unique to this place. ]

[malta]

Good.

[ he wants nicky to have some semblance of the purpose andy had accepted back in copley's room of creepy voyeurism and he can't say he minds that that purpose is more mundane than violent. academia is safe. ]

Whatever this is, this place, I want you to be happy.

[genova]

You know it is the same for me.

[ he cannot be happy unless yusuf is ]

[malta]

If I am with you then I am happy.

We could have a normal life for a while.

[ the last year had been normal while andy was taking a break and more often than not life is fairly even keeled, but the outside world somehow seems less pressing here. ]

[genova]

I do not know how normal it can be, when we are in a new world with new powers, but I would like that.

[ he would. he will also always want to do good, to help where he can. there are different ways of doing so, perhaps.

they will see what the future holds, here, and face it together. ]

[malta]

Normal-ish

[genova]

Normal for us, almost.

[malta]

That is all I want. You, our family, peace.

[genova]

Me, too.

[ and again, it is not the time or the place; it is something he should not bring up when he cannot see joe's face, but - ]

What about Booker?

[malta]

I promised Andy I wouldn't hit him first.

She wants him with us.

[genova]

[ nicky had declined booker's offer to punch him, too. punching him will not make nicky feel better.

he wishes it would. ]

I don't know how I feel about him now.

[malta]

You don't need to, it was not long ago.

[ they've barely had any time to sit with it before suddenly they were here and booker was back in their lives. ]

[genova]

I would have liked more time.

[ to figure it out. to let his emotions settle, to find his equilibrium again. he doesn't like who he is with anger seething under his skin, in his chest, with hurt and betrayal and resentment a heavy weight in his stomach. he doesn't like it, but he cannot change what he feels now. ]

[malta]

If it is too much, we can leave.

[ he loves andy and nile but he will absolutely fuck off to malta (probably not malta) to give nicky time. joe needs time too, but he takes some small, bitter satisfaction that booker has to look upon the love he would have let die for his own gain. it is not a kind thought but sometimes joe thinks he lacks the energy to be a kind man. ]

[genova]

[ joe just told him that what he wants is nicky and their family.

nicky is not going to take that from him if it isn't absolutely necessary. (he doesn't want to leave andy or nile, either. he just doesn't want to feel this way.) ]

If it is too much.

[malta]

Maybe a second place, for us. For space if we need it?

[ it feels a little like hiding and the idea of it curdles in his stomach, especially after glimmer and ellie were so enamoured with their effusive love, but maybe it is a middle ground they can live with. ]

[genova]

We'll try first.

[ it won't be the first time, nicky thinks, that circumstances are less than ideal, that there are things that sit heavily on his chest.

so long as he is with joe, he can face it. ]

And then we will see. Yes?

[malta]

Meet me by the river?

[ as much as he likes nicky being in his head, he likes it better when nicky is in his arms. ]

[genova]

Of course.

[ nicky likes it better, too. and he's glad joe asked. ]

[malta]

[ shout out to the youths because now joe can drop a pin exactly where he wants to meet: a little bench tucked within a copse of trees, many carved with initials of the couples that have been here before. it is nice to know that some things will never change.

it isn't the warm salty sea that connected both of their homelands, but it is water and joe loves the water, even if the river is man made.

that is where nicky will find him, sat on the bench with a single football in his lap — not the hideous patterned one, but one that looks like a hand-me-down, used, a lot scuffed up but well loved. ]

[genova]

[ it is useful, this technology. it is useful and because of it, nicky knows just where to find joe. it does not take him long, either, until he sinks onto the bench next to joe, glancing at the football in his lap briefly but lingering on his face.

(will there ever be a time when nicky does not find himself drawn to joe? he does not think so.) ]

[malta]

[ he sets the ball aside, tucking it under the bench so it won't roll into the river. he can feel nicky's eyes on him and joe doesn't usually hide from his partner's gaze but he is doing exactly that. he feels such sorrow and it is hard sometimes, even for him, to feel like he is not burdening nicky with that. ]

I don't like being angry.

[ it is a reflex sometimes, protective and distancing, but he isn't suited for it. ]

[genova]

[ nicky lets out a sigh that is barely more than an exhale, breath escaping his lungs. he reaches out to take joe's hand, fingers intertwining. it will make them glow, of course, but nicky does not mind it. ]

No. [ he knows this about joe. he knows it about himself, too. ] I do not like it, either.

[ but ] We feel what we feel. [ there is no use pretending otherwise, pushing it down and letting it fester. this, nicky knows. ]

[malta]

[ joe really likes this empathy bond. they've known each other so long it isn't hard to guess what the other is feeling — nicky knows all of his moods and what gets under his skin, what will make a normally soft man into all sharp, brittle edges — but there is something so intimate about truly feeling it. after a thousand years falling in love with the depth of this man's quiet emotions, yusuf would happily drown in the ocean of them all. ]

You're right. [ of course he is right. they feel what they feel, they grow, they change, they move on. ]

It feels like we shouldn't. [ a beat, free hand lifting in an expansive, dismissive gesture as he meets nicky's eyes. no one has made him feel like his emotions are Too Much except circumstance. ] My own doing, not anyone else's.